Thursday, June 29, 2006

Early Retirement

At the price of an inexpensive DC condo, who says you have to wait to live like royalty?

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Thanks

Today, after sending a "thank you" email in hopes of concluding a brief dialogue, I received the following message in return: "Thank you for saying thank you."

Should I respond?

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

There Is No Third Way

If it's war you want, Mr. Lee, consider my new party, ARD, the Red Army to your Republican - ahem, Fascist - Blitzkrieg. We will not stand idly by and allow any "American" to defend Yuengling, Blue Moon, or - excuse me while I regurgitate- Sam Adams as if bottled, over-priced urine represents some irrevocable force that drive's the very institutions we so blindly call "democracy." No, sir, you are out of line.

I had plans to make Americans for the Rehabilitation of Democracy a party for the people, a party for the downtrodden and disenfranchised. But my basic sense of human decency does not permit me to do as such. How can those who need democracy most even consider trekking to the poles when only Yuengling awaits their (thirsty) return to home?

No, Mr. Lee, I will not "repudiate this [Mr. Beerman's] doctrine" as part of ARD's platform. I am a man of principle, a man of beliefs - I offer ARD's complete support of Mr. Beerman's statement of fact. From this day forward, ARD stands for the people's right to informed choices - choices that do not involve the selection between the lesser of two evils.

ARD is fully prepared for protracted warfare. To quote one of ARD's great intellectual benefactors, Sir Winston Churchill, "We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we all fight in the hills; we shall never surrender." ARD, offering full support to Mr. Beerman's crusade, will know nothing save victory.

True, you have "value voters," "concerned American families," and other misinformed constituencies at your back, but Ned Flanders and Reverend Lovejoy are about as dangerous as Butterstick. ARD, on the other hand, is backed by generations of those who know the difference between Good and Evil, and are willing to fight for that difference.

Consider yourself warned.

Who would've guessed?

Well who would've guessed that Mr Lee would do what all Republicans do when they feel threatened or insulted? Squeezing it in between his hectic work schedule and his blossoming athletic career, Mr Lee found the time to question my patriotism. Apparantly my dislike for uncreative, middle-of-the-road faux microbrews equates to a hatred of America. Not true! I've downed enough PBRs and RoRos to last a lifetime. Why just the other day I was explaining to my roommate that one of life's forgotten pleasures is a cold can of Budweiser when watching a baseball game at the local VFW's July 4th BBQ.

No one supports the war against namby-pamby beers more than I! But clearly Mr Lee decided on war and then found an enemy! He has chosen to listen only to a small group of advisors and shunned any outside reports! He has alienated us from our European allies, though their experience has resulted in many a fine brew!

Mr Lee rushed into this war with no consideration of the consequences of hostile action. His lack of planning and his stubborn commitment to stay the course has resulted in countless wasted nights and tastebuds and unnecessary liver damage!

Mr Lee has tried to unite us behind Sam Adams but he has only divided us further! We must realize that there are other solutions before it is too late!

Monday, June 26, 2006

"Mr Beerman's Guide To Life"

Three beers which, under no circumstances, should ever be purchased or consumed:

1. Yuengling
2. Blue Moon
3. Any variety of Sam Adams

That is all.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Saturday Morning

It is Saturday at 10:30 AM, and I've been at my desk since 8. Typically I like to spend my Saturdays running errands, maybe catching a movie if I so desire, but today some company wants to buy some other company, and long story short, I needed to work. I've been told to plan on staying here until midnight at the earliest, but most likely until 1 or 2 AM. The silver lining? I've been promised meals and a cab ride home.

Given the demographics of The Recipe's readership (DC/NoVA yupsters), I'm sure most of you empathize with my situation. We've all worked absurdly long hours and weekends in the past, and will continue to do so in the future. This is the norm in the fairytale land of Corporatia. Specifically, I know for a fact that Dr Cook and his colleagues at [name of Dr Cook's company] work hours like this on a regular basis.

Do I mind? That's where it gets a bit more complicated. To be fair, I was planning on returning to my homeland this weekend to partake in the various festivities associated with the birthday of a friend. Unfortunately, these plans had to be canceled, and should that certain friend stumble onto this post, I would like him to know that I'm sorry I couldn't be there. However, I'd like to take a few days off at the end of July, which would require me to show a bit more effort now. And let's not forget that my employer pays its grunts by the hour, and I'm well into overtime for the week. Thus, [currying favor with the bossman now] + [extra pay] = [me not hating it so much].

But let's not get ahead of ourselves. I am here to provide additional help as necessary, which so far has not been needed. I have not done anything productive, save for writing my first blog entry in a few weeks, which my readers might appreciate, but it does not directly increase the efficiency of the firm, nor help me climb another rung in the ladder. I am left with the feeling that today will be a colassal waste of my time.

Furthermore, even if I am given a substantial task to do today, I still don't give a damn about the end goal. One company is buying out another company. Do I care? Not really. I'm not a stockholder of either company, nor do I plan on becoming one. Am I interested in business transactions of this nature? No. I don't mind visiting Corporatia, or even studying there temporarily, but I have no plans to emigrate. While I work very hard, regardless of the specific task, I always leave feeling a little empty inside, and I look forward to the day when I have a job doing something that I care about passionately. I may disagree with the views of our favorite Ayn Rand fan, but I admire his working for the causes that he believes in.

On that note, back to work...

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Cook 2008: A Man For The People

Following convincing arguments from a close friend and confidante, I have decided to run for President in 2008. I will run for a third party, which was founded today, called "Americans for the Rehabilitation of Democracy," or ARD.

My platform to follow shortly...

Another For The Ladies

If they're not into farmer's tans, then this will surely get the single ladies in the house talking...

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Lake House, Continued

Over Served...


Fixin' The Boat...



Oh, College...



Exercise...

Lake House

So the weekend at the lake was a success...


After sneaking out of the office early (desite my client's best efforts), I:

  • Slept on the dock
  • Drank too much
  • Repaired a boat's fuel injection system
  • Drank too much again
  • Water skiied with one shoulder to the water

Friday, June 16, 2006

Friday Is The New Saturday?!?

I just got off my fourth conference call of the morning, the first of which started promptly at 8:30 am. Don't these people know that Friday is the new Saturday?

Anywho....

I am looking forward to a fantastic weekend at the lake (an extended into "the new Saturday" weekend) that I want to get underway ASAP. Fishing, skiing, grilling, drinking and s'mores are but a stone's throw away. Here's to "flex time."

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Was DeLay Too Right?

Last Thursday, June 8th, Congressman Tom DeLay delivered his Farewell Address, saying "goodbye" with "few regrets, and no doubts." His speech followed credible accusations of corruption, and repeated, although seemingly minor, rebukes by the House ethics committee. DeLay's departure did not seem to disturb anyone on either side of the aisle. The Republicans lost a liability, and the Democrats lost an extremely capable opponent.

DeLay, aka "The Hammer," is now notorious for his uncompromising partisanship, "fire-breathing" tactics, and political clout. As the Post's Ruth Marcus comments, "DeLay's farewell address on the House floor last week was nonetheless stunning for its sneering, belligerent partisanship." I agree completely, but this begs the question, was DeLay wrong to not "reminisce about the good old days of political harmony and across-the-aisle camaraderie, and to lament the bitter, divisive partisan rancor that supposedly now weakens our democracy?" And, more generally, was he wrong to assume - and not derivate from - an immobile political position?

These are difficult questions. Political scholars, from Plato to Churchill, all recognized the "middling" power of democracy - it's an inherently compromising system of governance. Indeed, rarely are great democratic achievements occasioned by unbending politicians - or, dare I say, ideologues - who overcome their opponents by unwavering devotion to a cause. But DeLay was surprisingly effective to this end. His political career was marked by significant legislative achievements, including a general broadening of the Republican power base. He stuck to his guns, and, aside from a few scandals, it worked.

Personally, I find something admirable about DeLay (as a devout Republican and Ayn Rand reader, I wonder if Mr. Lee agrees?). I don't care for his politics, but I do believe there is a place on the Hill for folks who "push the envelope," "fight harder," and "scrape and claw for every vote, for every word of every bill that" they believe "would protect human freedom and defend human dignity." Partisan politics should not necessarily constitute the future of our political system, a two party system, where success is regularly measured simply by identifiable action. Principle should still carry some worth.

The Democrats should view DeLay's exit not as victory - they didn't do anything - but as an opportunity to provide their own coherent, uncompromising platform. Clinton is a solid start, but far from the answer. Already, on her quiet road to 2008, she has faded from her own hardline and crept toward the aisle. Regardless of her intentions, I believe Hillary, and the Democrats as whole, need to stop looking across the room for viable solutions. Perhaps the Democrats need their own Hammer.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Rain....

It rained this morning. I drive a Jeep. It only has a bikini top.

Diagnosis: Swamp Ass.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Correction

My ever-mindful cubicle buddy, Kiwi, noted a miscalculation in yesterday's post, 2040 Billable Hours. Below is a revised calculation of my total billable hours over the past 365 metric days.

52 weeks in a year - 2 weeks vacation - 1 week personal leave - 7 vacation days = 48 billable weeks * 40 hours in a work week = 1920 possible billable hours * 95% utilization rate = 1,824 HOURS BILLED. Again, let's explore this number a little further:

Assuming I am awake for 17 hours a day, I was at work for 31.23% of my conscious life over the past year. Moreover, if you factor in my daily commute, I was doing something directly work-related for 36.4% of said lifetime. Finally, to really drive the coffins in the nails, factor in 30 minutes of lunchtime a day, and I am "simplifying" a solid 38.01% of the time. I won't even discuss time spent "on call" - I'll direct you to Angry Roommate for a detailed discussion of this phenomenon.

And now, permit me to perform a qualitative analysis of this seemingly overwhelming data. I shall do so by exploring inter-personal relationships. Again, I look over the cubicle wall to Kiwi. I spend a solid 8-9 hours a day within a stone's throw of him. That's more time than I've ever spent that close to anyone. My own mother grows tired of my incessant scheming after 3 or 4 hours. I suspect Kiwi will be the "closest"person to me until I "hitch one on" and I am therefore contractually obligated to share a room with someone.

Kiwi, here's lookin' at you, kid.

Monday, June 05, 2006

2040 Billable Hours

As of 9:00 am EDT tomorrow, June 6th, I will have been gainfully employed for one calendar year. Let's explore the numbers:

  1. 2040 billable hours
  2. 306 hours spent commuting
  3. 1,000+ Help Desk calls answered and resolved
  4. 34.5 hours vacation consumed
  5. 17 charge codes utilized
  6. 7.4/10 on the 'Hating It' scale

All in all, not too bad for a first-timer. Further impressions to follow tomorrow.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Out Of Office

This afternoon, much to my surprise, I received the following email in response to an earlier inquiry:

I am out of the office and will be returning on June 5, 2006. If you need immediate assistance and this is ______ related, please contact [Dr. Cook].

The respone came as a surprise for two reasons:
  1. I had no idea this person was out of the office.
  2. I was not informed ahead of time I would be their contact for "immediate assistance."

I'm not sure if I should be flattered or disturbed. Flattered, on one hand, because someone trusts me with their business without forewarning. Disturbed, on the other, because I was not warned, which could have resulted in an explosive situation. Either way, it's 4:00 pm on a Friday, suggesting that no one needed "immediate assistance." I should be in the clear.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

"Hello, Help Desk [What Are You Doing Tonight]?"

In one of The Recipe's earliest posts, I embarked on a lengthy diatribe about the little-known problem of poor Help Desk etiquette. Today, with only a few sentences, one of my "regulars" repented for the many sins of her fellow callers. Here's how it went down:

Caller: "Hey, Denis, how you doin'?" (Mind you, this is all in a gorgeous southern accent)
Denis: "Not too bad at all, Caller, thanks for asking. Yourself?"
Caller: "I am doing great! Denis, you sound so young on the phone; how old are you?"
Denis: "[Chuckle] I am the ripe age...of 23."
Caller: "Oh, well, nevermind then, you are too young for me."

Anyone up for a roadtrip to South Carolina?

The One Campaign

I've added a link to The One Campaign in my blog. Check it out.