Missouri - Part I
So the trip to Missouri was quite an adventure.
The journey got off to an immediately poor start when our plane made an "unexpected" stop in Pittsburgh due to "shifting weather patterns." Nothing against Pittsburgh, but it's not where I wanted to be. Once we were back in the air, our plane was graced with a new flight attendant who, to put it politely, feared not verbosity. My God, she wouldn't shut up! It was impressive how much she could talk. Every dip, turn, or sign of turbulence was explained with flawless physics and a touch of social psychology. The entire in-flight drink selection was read off. For the last twenty-two minutes of the flight, I learned the flight number, time and gate of every aircraft departing St. Louis airport in the coming three weeks. To make it worse, she spoke like a true flyboy: "Flight 1293, that's 1-2-9-3, will depart out of Gate B - B as in Boy - 3, Gate B3, at 10:27, 1-0-2-7 pm, Midwestern Time. And for all of you from the East Coast, that's one hour behind your time. So, for example, if we arrive at 10:00 , 1-0-0-0 pm, it feeeeeels like 11:00, as in 1-1-0-0 pm." All I could think about was beating her with the seatbelt buckle.
Fortunately, I had my trusty iPod with me, so once we reached "cruising altitude," which, in case you were curious, "is approximately 30,000 feet," I strapped on the headphones and blocked her out - as best I could. I dozed for an hour or so, only to be awoken by Super Stewardess who was "helping" me "secure my seat in an upright fashion prior to landing." At this point, I wanted to murder her. But I did not - civility got the best of me again.
On the ground in St. Louis, things smoothed out - literally. If you've never been to the Midwest, you can jump in the air and instantly increase your visibility by 200 miles. From a three-story building you can see the Rockies and Appalachians with the turn of a neck. Despite the spectacular views, everything looks the same, at least to the untrained "Yankee" eye (why did they call me a Yank?). Corn, pastures, and oak trees is about it. Don't get me wrong, Missouri is beautiful, but only if you like corn, pastures, and oak trees.
The wedding's location required us to travel another 3 hours by car due west of St. Louis. The farther we drove, the less and less I saw. One corn field blended into a thousand zooming past my window. The most interesting thing I caught was a billboard for Missouri's annual Testicle Festival. If you care to ask, I suggest you research it yourself. Fast forward 3 hours, and we arrive in Sedalia...
The journey got off to an immediately poor start when our plane made an "unexpected" stop in Pittsburgh due to "shifting weather patterns." Nothing against Pittsburgh, but it's not where I wanted to be. Once we were back in the air, our plane was graced with a new flight attendant who, to put it politely, feared not verbosity. My God, she wouldn't shut up! It was impressive how much she could talk. Every dip, turn, or sign of turbulence was explained with flawless physics and a touch of social psychology. The entire in-flight drink selection was read off. For the last twenty-two minutes of the flight, I learned the flight number, time and gate of every aircraft departing St. Louis airport in the coming three weeks. To make it worse, she spoke like a true flyboy: "Flight 1293, that's 1-2-9-3, will depart out of Gate B - B as in Boy - 3, Gate B3, at 10:27, 1-0-2-7 pm, Midwestern Time. And for all of you from the East Coast, that's one hour behind your time. So, for example, if we arrive at 10:00 , 1-0-0-0 pm, it feeeeeels like 11:00, as in 1-1-0-0 pm." All I could think about was beating her with the seatbelt buckle.
Fortunately, I had my trusty iPod with me, so once we reached "cruising altitude," which, in case you were curious, "is approximately 30,000 feet," I strapped on the headphones and blocked her out - as best I could. I dozed for an hour or so, only to be awoken by Super Stewardess who was "helping" me "secure my seat in an upright fashion prior to landing." At this point, I wanted to murder her. But I did not - civility got the best of me again.
On the ground in St. Louis, things smoothed out - literally. If you've never been to the Midwest, you can jump in the air and instantly increase your visibility by 200 miles. From a three-story building you can see the Rockies and Appalachians with the turn of a neck. Despite the spectacular views, everything looks the same, at least to the untrained "Yankee" eye (why did they call me a Yank?). Corn, pastures, and oak trees is about it. Don't get me wrong, Missouri is beautiful, but only if you like corn, pastures, and oak trees.
The wedding's location required us to travel another 3 hours by car due west of St. Louis. The farther we drove, the less and less I saw. One corn field blended into a thousand zooming past my window. The most interesting thing I caught was a billboard for Missouri's annual Testicle Festival. If you care to ask, I suggest you research it yourself. Fast forward 3 hours, and we arrive in Sedalia...
posted by Dr. Cook at 6:15 AM
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