The Recipe

Shut Up

2009-05-12T05:49:00.000-07:00

No, you haven't watched the Capitals for "20 years." No, you didn't hide your team loyalty through the regular season because you've had "your heart broken too many times in the past." No, you aren't a fan.

Shut up. Fair weather fans, bandwagoners -- shut up. You're ruining sports. Buying a throwback jersey last week doesn't make you a devout, life-long follower of the Capitals, the Steelers, the Cavaliers, or the [insert recently successful team here].

Your actions are transparent, your words are predictable, and no, your coworkers around the water cooler aren't buying it.

Shut your mouth.

"Yes We Do"

2009-04-08T03:26:00.000-07:00

The Recipe officially supports polygamy because it's hilarious.

On Earmarks

2009-03-19T06:09:00.001-07:00

The Post recently ran a segment on earmarks. A number of notable political figures chimed in, including our friend and savoir, Ronny Paul. According to Paul, earmarks “account less than 2 percent of the spending bill just passed. And even if all earmarks were removed from the budget overall, no money would be saved. That money would instead go to the executive branch to spend as it sees fit. Congress has the power of the purse. It is the constitutional responsibility of members to earmark, or designate, where funds should go, rather than to simply deliver a lump sum to the president.” In other words, they aren’t that big of a deal, and can actually serve a purpose.

Earmarks encourage transparency, establishing a clear line-of-site between government spending and services to citizens. For example, a bill could give the State of Maryland $50 million for environmental restoration. Or, an earmark could allocate $10 million to irrigation research, $10 to marshland preservation, and another $30 million for returning oysters to the Chesapeake Bay. We, as citizens, would know what we’re getting for our dollar.

There has been a long-standing initiative in government to account for every dollar spent. Instead of distributing lump sums, Congress should allocate spending toward “line items,” or individual projects with clearly defined scope. Whether we call them projects or earmarks, the public should not scream every time a “pet project” is initiated – it’d be great if the entire federal budget was comprised of pet projects.

Teaching skillz

2009-03-09T10:59:00.000-07:00

Recently, I received a forwarded email from my friend and yours, the enviable educator of young children, Dr. Leonard. Was the good Leonard asking for a blog post and would I be kind enough to write it? How could I say no to a request like that?

Forgive me, Dr. Leonard, for superficially summarizing the contents of your email for those not fortunate enough to read it themselves. The overall subject was Michelle Rhee, chancellor of the DC public school system. The Cornell and Harvard trained Rhee has taken the education policy world by storm. With Mayor Fenty’s blessing she has wrested power away from the DC School Board, and has embarked on a series of radical reforms of the DC school system.

Leonard’s question focused primarily on the qualifications of Rhee, and whether her relatively low level of in-class experience rendered her unqualified for the job. As Leonard pointed out, while she did found the New Teacher Project, an experiment (and successful one at that) in recruiting other professionals into teaching, she was only in the classroom for three years. As a Teach for America graduate (which is similar to the program that she founded), she was not trained as a teacher.

While I am not entirely versed in Ms. Rhee’s policies, I work in public policy, and am familiar with the particular tribulations of American education policy. In general, I support her desire to move power away from a highly politicized organ (the school board), to hold schools and principals accountable (in a way which may or may not be test-based), but most of all, her willingness to implement new and bold ideas to see what works in education policy. DC schools are in a horrible state, and I see no reason to arbitrarily maintain the status quo.

To answer Leonard: is she qualified for the job, given her TFA training and three years in the classroom? Firstly, and at the risk of incurring Leonard’s wrath, but in the interest of full disclosure, I should state that I support Teach for America (and similar programs) as creative and successful, albeit imperfect, solutions to the teaching shortage that exists in America. I understand Leonard’s point that the most crucial teaching skills like how to manage a classroom or engage a student cannot be taught in a six-week crash course, and I sympathize with his desire to maintain high training standards for teachers. But until policy makers can figure out other ways to successfully train more teachers, and to move quality teachers the positions where they are most needed (i.e., poor and low-performing schools), programs like TFA will have to do.

But regardless of her experience, I would state that the qualifications that Ms. Rhee needs in order to be successful as a schools chancellor are not the same as one needs to be a successful teacher. While I don’t want this to be interpreted as a verdict on her skills as a teacher, Ms. Rhee needs to be aware of what makes a good teacher or principal, even if she does not possess those skills herself. In other words, Ms. Rhee must understand education policy - what works and what does not work. She must manage a large bureaucracy and a huge budget in a high-profile field. She must be able to analyze a policy problem and develop a solution. True, first-hand experience in the classroom is an important factor, but it is only one piece of the puzzle. Her new role is one of a manager, not a teacher.

While we should probably wait before issuing the verdict on her tenure, I would say yes, she is probably qualified for the job. But we have to wait and see if she can be effective in her role.

PS: It’s wonderful to be back from sabbatical.

Alphabet

2009-02-12T12:41:00.000-08:00

A few notes on the alphabet:

M should precede N.
X is a novelty letter with no real purpose. Don't give me that 'xylophone' nonsense.
We should have an odd number of letters.

More to come on numbers.

Top Fives

2009-02-05T05:54:00.000-08:00

Top Five Greatest Inventions of Our Generation

1. Paper Shredders –- I dare you to tell me you haven’t ever put something other than paper through the shredder. Yes, we all know they can take down a banana.

2. Yellow First Down Line –- Changed the way we see the game.

3. Flash Fryers –- Even glass shards and rusty barbed wire can be delicious for the fat-ass on the go.

4. “That’s What She Said” Jokes –- A recent university study demonstrated that 63% of casual conversation is now hilarious because of this phrase. I’d say use it sparingly, but I’d be lying (that’s what she said).

5. Plan B –- Try it with college!

Bottom Five Greatest Inventions of Our Generation

1. Email Recall –- It always too late to recall the message. You screwed up, sent it to the wrong person, and there’s no going back. Dust off your resume.

2. “Emoticons” –- The worst. If you require further explanation, find a cave and leave the rest of us alone.

3. Digital Cameras –- The single most empowering invention for women since the vote. The only thing worse is multiple women, drink(s) and camera in hand, firing away at your long-term political aspirations. We’ll be the first generation of would-be politicians that have to answer to 12,932 pictures of terrible decisions.

4. Facebook Rebirths –- I don’t really know what to call this, but I’m talking about all the things you did as a child that have been reborn – revalidated? – via “the book.” Drawing, tagging, and – this one is the worst – chain letters, have all been brought back. There’s probably an e-slap bracelet out there somewhere.

5. Grassroots –- If it started as a “grassroots movement” then it’s wrong. Stop it. No we can’t.

Oh Hi!

2009-01-27T19:18:00.001-08:00

Flashback

2009-01-23T06:53:00.001-08:00

Hey, Dietsch, remember when you got married? Remember? 'Cause I sure hope my date does.

Rerun

2009-01-22T05:45:00.000-08:00

Dear 1,800,000 Cold People,

Sorry you missed the inauguration – better luck next time.

Love,
The Recipe

Up and Down

2009-01-15T06:19:00.000-08:00

On January 8, The National Capital Planning Commission (NCPC) approved a $3.4 billion headquarters for the U.S. Department of Homeland Security (DHS) on the now derelict grounds of St. Elizabeths Hospital in Anacostia. The proposed complex, due for completion in 2016, would “provide a secure workplace for 14,000 Homeland Security employees scattered across the Washington area.”

John V. Cogbill III, chairman of the NCPC, touts the plan “as an important step forward for Anacostia and for Washington.” In a statement released by the NCPC, Executive Director Marcel Costa said the project “exemplifies the positive impact federal facilities can have on District neighborhoods by serving as a catalyst for development, in this case in the surrounding Ward 8 neighborhood.”

But dissenting voices checked the NCPC’s approval, calling the future headquarters damaging to St. Elizabeths’ historical integrity, and separated from Ward 8 by countless security barriers. Davis Garrison of the Brookings Institute, once champion of the redevelopment of St. Elizabeths, testified that “DHS employees might as well be working on the moon for all their presence will benefit the city.”

In a study published by the Brookings Greater Washington Research Program, Garrison argued “it would be vastly better from the standpoint of the city if the plan for St. Elizabeths…returned to its earlier target as a place for a mixed use, mixed income, open and accessible new neighborhood.” In short, not a secure DHS facility.

Both sides of the argument are compelling, and both highlight a disturbing trend in Washington: The city is full.

In the early 2000s, then DC Mayor Anthony Williams drafted a long-term plan to increase the city’s population – and therefore tax base – by 100,000 permanent residents. By the standard of most major metropolitan areas, the goal was modest. A large urban redevelopment – say, Columbia Heights – would do the trick. Unless, of course, your city is mired in zoning, historic preservation, and, most importantly, building height regulations.

In 1899, Congress – the US Congress – passed the Heights of Buildings Act, which limited the height of buildings in the District of Columbia to not exceed the Capitol. Although the act has been amended since, the original form remains true. The District’s tallest non-federal building is the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception, a staggering 329 feet tall.

As the skylines of Chicago, New York, Houston and countless other cities can attest, it’s more beneficial for a city to go up – not sprawl out. We can blame the Heights of Building Acts for such monuments to (sub)urban sprawl as Tyson’s, Arlington, Bethesda, the Dulles Toll Road corridor, the I-270 corridor, and the expanding areas in between. Before long, DC will be surrounded by Maryland and Virginia’s mini-cities that don’t give a damn about lines-of-sight. The District has lost innumerable businesses and residents to an arbitrary restriction set by an outside government.

St. Elizabeths should be redeveloped, but first, the US Congress, in conjunction with the DC government, should revisit the Heights of Buildings Act. The plateaued St. Elizabeths grounds would be a fantastic starting point for a DC skyline visible for miles.

Hi, Allison

2009-01-14T10:58:00.000-08:00

I know, people, I know.

krautHAMMER

2008-09-26T09:37:00.000-07:00

Charlie is dropping knowledge bombs left and right, and, in doing so, using 17 words that I had to look up to get through the article.

Economic Trickery

2008-09-25T07:35:00.000-07:00

Bush has done it again, dammit – fooled us good. That ol’ hound dog just loves trickying things up.

This time, he single-handedly – Rove was behind the curtains – kicked the shit out of the economy. Secretly orchestrating the “unfortunate” collapse of America’s banking infrastructure, Bush has set the stage for his final redemption.

You see, it takes an epic problem to produce an epic solution – this time, a “vital” 700 billion bailout that Bush, all by his maverickin’ lonesome, developed and now advocates. Only Bush – president, champion, man of the people – can rescue us.

Bush flushed our economy down the proverbial shitter so he could roll his sleeves up, trudge out to the septic field, and dig us up. Or at least drop a rope. Whether or not we climb, it seems, is left up to his impossibly doomed successor.

Perhaps Bush will save his legacy after all. Just don’t look too far to the right ‘cause you might see some massive, unruly piles of shit.

And yes, Ron Paul could fix this in seventeen minutes flat....

Math Tutorial

2008-09-15T09:12:00.000-07:00

Palin + Gun > Hillary + [insert any liberal icon here]

Ron Paul

2008-09-10T13:25:00.000-07:00

Ron Paul Is AMERICA. I will write his name on the ballot. You should do the same.

Excel Wizardry

2008-09-10T11:01:00.000-07:00

Excel Wizardry Tip #1: To toggle between worksheets in a single Excel file, hold down the 'Ctrl' button and hit the 'Page Up' or 'Page Down' button.

More to come, my fellow cubicle monkeys.

Farewell to Freedom Tour -- Stage XIII

2008-09-05T06:20:00.000-07:00

I'm Dusting This Bitch Off

2008-09-05T06:15:00.001-07:00

Cakon Lives

2008-05-01T08:27:00.000-07:00

First Annual Cakon Day

2008-04-29T08:14:00.001-07:00

CAKON

I want to party with that guy

2008-04-25T07:16:00.000-07:00

In case you can not tell that young man is pouring beer into his prosthetic leg.

MAN DAY

2008-04-20T08:55:00.001-07:00

In association with the FTFT Man Day was a complete success. Highlights include:
1. Beer
2. A pistol (yes its real)
3. Grilling
4. Leonard's chest hair

Thank you.

Uncle Tom's Knowledge

2008-04-17T08:26:00.000-07:00

"Man must build, Denis. Build, compete, and take down broads. That's about it. I trust [Ayn] Rand would agree."

Man Day

2008-04-17T08:14:00.001-07:00

As many of you have probably heard by now, our photography guru, Dietsch, is getting hitched. As in soon-to-be-married-for-the-rest-of-his-life hitched.

To "celebrate" his informed decision, the Kevin Dietsch Farewell to Freedom Tour has officially commenced. Shirts will be made. Beers will be drank. Girls will be bothered. Et cetera. Et cetera...

A critical component of Kevin's FTFT is the weekly -- assuming schedules align -- Man Day. Man Day, in the simplest sense, is a day of all things Man. Typical activities include:
1. Golfing
2. Fishing
3. Beering
4. Grilling
5. Regurgitating

In effect, Man Day is a bachelor party limited in scope -- a Gary Coleman, of sorts.

And so, tomorrow marks another marvelous Day O' Man. There is already extensive talk of -- and I quote the Bachelor himself -- "drinking away this [work] week." We -- Man Day always requires a coalition of the willing -- also plan to construct a beer pong table, grill at least three types of meat, play a heated round of bocce, and, finally, prove to ourselves (once again) that we cannot drink like we could in college.

Hooray for Man!

Bull Run

2008-04-14T05:49:00.000-07:00

I ran the Bull Run 50-Miler on Saturday. I finished in 9:09 -- 35th overall. My target time was 8:30, but that will have to wait until next time, I suppose.

In the mean time, how about a sweet heel click at mile 10:

The Power of Beard

2008-04-01T10:41:00.000-07:00

I've heard it said by many a wise men that the beard makes the man. I never thought too much of it, quite frankly, until just this afternoon. While walking to the restroom at work, a fellow coworker stopped me and said, "Denis, by golly, your beard makes you the epitome of Man."

Obviously intrigued, I decided to walk through some pictures on my computer and see if, in fact, my beard increased my already dangerous levels of Man. Here are my findings:

This picture, taken last week, shows me with a stately beard. Note things commonly attracted to beards -- beers, brawds, bonfires.

This picture, taken a month ago, shows me without a beard. Although I'm still a specimen, things have undoubtedly changed.

Anticipation

2008-03-28T10:18:00.000-07:00

Number ONE, boys and girls. The day of redemption is shortly upon us.

Happy Jesus 2.0

2008-03-21T11:01:00.000-07:00

2008-03-14T09:19:00.000-07:00

I am headed to Belize tomorrow for a sweet vacation. Here is the 10 day forecast.

Enjoy DC, jerks.

A Man Driven

2008-03-13T10:38:00.000-07:00

Yul Brynner is America.

A Man Torn

2008-03-13T10:36:00.001-07:00

Charleton Heston is America.

A Man Apart

2008-03-13T10:31:00.001-07:00

Charles Bronson is America.

Retirees

2008-03-11T07:35:00.001-07:00

In the past month, three men, all great in their own right, have dropped from the running in their respective races. I wanted to honor each of them with their own words.

Fidel Castro: “I know that imprisonment will be harder for me than it has ever been for anyone, filled with cowardly threats and hideous cruelty. But I do not fear prison, as I do not fear the fury of the miserable tyrant who took the lives of 70 of my comrades. Condemn me. It does not matter. History will absolve me.”

Ron Paul: “Our country's founders cherished liberty, not democracy.”

Brett Favre: “He'd say, ‘You know what your problem is? You just get bored. We're up and it's just too boring to take the check-down and dump it off. Oh no, you've got to be John Wayne.’ And he was right.”

Keyboard Skills

2008-02-25T10:21:00.001-08:00

What can I say the man's got skills.

Wedding Speeches

2008-02-25T10:21:00.000-08:00

Excerpts from a conversation I had this morning with an experienced wedding goer...

J: I'm not sure I fully understand. They decided to allow you to be in the wedding?
D: Apparently [I am in the "wedding party" album].
J: And what is more, you are in the role of one who must speak publicly [best man]?
D: That's the rumor. I mean, sure, I'm flattered, but nervous as well.
J: Ha.
D: I will need you there in spirit.
J: Fuck that. I am getting a tux and mimicking your every move. We'll be "best mens."
D: I love it. Consider it doneski.
J: Haha.
D: We can do it just to see if anyone notices. Then, we can give the best man speech in rounds -- like "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."
J: It would have to start as "Row, Row, Row Your Boat," otherwise it would be too hard to get on que. And then gradually work in a line about loving being a journey -- yadda, yadda, let's get hammered.

Gentrification

2008-02-24T10:11:00.001-08:00

I went to see Bryan Scary and The Shredding Tears last night at the Rock and Roll Hotel in Northeast. As usual, Bryan Scary was amazing – loud, exaggerated and unrelenting. Easily one of the best shows I’ve ever seen.

After the concert, having fully digested my surroundings, I contemplated something new and, I think, worthwhile: I need to follow the hipsters. Not physically, of course – they are a touch too edgy for me. Instead, I need to look to them as an oracle, of sorts. You see, they are on the front lines of the ever-progressing war of gentrification. The hipsters were the first to “discover” Harlem and Brooklyn (again). They were the first set of brave souls to (re)venture into the “U Street corridor.” And now, as I saw last night, they are first to pioneer their way into the – I’ll say it – “up and coming” neighborhood of H Street NE.

And so, as I begin my search for real estate in a tight DC market, I should follow the hipsters to the promise land. They will get me in on the ground floor. I will be the guy that, as so many people say after the fact, “bought five years before everyone else.” I will be him. I will have the urban-chic flat in the new “it” neighborhood. Sure, I’ll have five years of barred windows and sleepless nights, but I can eventually sell my pad at fourteen times what I paid for it. People will say, “You see him? He did it right.”

Follow the hipsters, friends, follow the hipsters.

Called Out

2008-02-22T06:36:00.001-08:00

So this blog has sucked lately -- sorry, guys. But Lobbying DC ain't been too sharp either.

Rumor has it the author went and got himself wifed up? Could it be true?

Status

2008-02-20T04:19:00.000-08:00

Things have been slow around here lately. Since we lost Mr. Beerman to the corporate machine, morale has been low and posts have been few. There just isn't that much going on these days.

But let's see if we can revive this blog. After all, The Recipe has become like that old friend you just can't seem to let go -- you know, the one you don't really have anything in common with aside from a shared past. Your lives have split long ago, but you're still hoping that, soon enough, your paths will reconverge...

So what's been new?

Well, on the (home) political front, nothing. Every Republican that enjoys hearing him/herself speak is endorsing McCain. I, for one, am slightly attracted to his politics, but I just can't seem to get over the whole nothing-matters-but fighting-terrorism bit. On the other side of the aisle, though, the "unprecedented" race remains close. Obama, with his "cultish" following, is telling us to change -- he just won't reveal what we're supposed to change. I've been listening to him, but I have yet to understand what he's actually saying to me and John Q. Public. And then there's Clinton, who tells us to not listen to Obama. She also says we can and should change, but nothing that Obama says we should change. But since Obama won't tell me what to change, I am only further confused. Either way, I'm still drunk with love of the Ron Paul Revolution.

On the personal front, I've recently developed an obsession with suits. I go shopping for them all too often. Department stores, men's boutiques, internet, thrift stores -- everywhere I look for sharp suits. I can't afford any of them, mind you, but I still enjoy window shopping. Me thinks that once spring hits -- and wedding season 2K8 is in full swing -- I will treat myself to a happenin' three-piece number. I want something that quietly screams class. Just think of the sexy results!

Anywho, we'll be seeing ya.

Wyclef rocked our world

2008-01-20T14:30:00.000-08:00

Scaryville!

2008-01-15T06:16:00.000-08:00

A buddy of mine from college, aptly called "Chicago," is the drummer of a phenomenal new band, Bryan Scary & The Shredding Tears. The band "likes things big." They mix "elements of psychedelia, classic rock, indie, and prog into their sonic stew" -- and they put one the best live show I've ever seen.

Their second album, "Flight of the Knife," is being released -- for free! -- online here. You can download a song a week until the whole album is published in April. I must warn, though, that their sound is a little abrasive. They are loud -- very loud -- so be prepared for something different. But it's something I promise you'll listen to again and again, and, before you know, you'll be sharing it with your friends.

Chilly Hill Billy Part Deux

2008-01-13T15:07:00.000-08:00

T-Minus

2008-01-10T09:22:00.001-08:00

Andrew's Big Day

2008-01-09T14:09:00.001-08:00

While these photos and movies are a week late. I felt that they needed to be shared. In the 24+ hours that was Andrew Leonard's birthday celebration the good Professor managed to be roofied at a gay bar, impress us all with his amazing washboard tie and entertain us with the excitement that is his life. Also Dr. Cook ran by a cop car nearly naked. Enjoy.

Happy Birthday Andrew

Bethesda Bonfire

2008-01-09T10:33:00.000-08:00

Countdown to Chilly Hillbilly, Volume II

2008-01-07T08:27:00.000-08:00

Chilly Hillbilly 2K8 is a mere four days away. Here are a couple of gems from the inaugural bash:

Team America: Last Man Standing Winners

James: Worthy Keeper of the Flame

Don't Forget

2007-12-26T21:24:00.000-08:00

Cartoon Network will be playing every episode of Futurama they have ever aired between now and December 30th, 11pm-6am.

Merry Christmas

2007-12-23T14:01:00.000-08:00

Brutus: December 22, 2007 10:30 am - December 22, 2007 6:00 pm

2007-12-22T16:13:00.000-08:00

His time with us was short but his impact was deep.
We will miss you buddy.

Massanutten Mountain Trails 100 Mile Run

2007-12-17T11:44:00.001-08:00

24 on the waiting list. Stay tuned...

Lets go on a living spree

2007-12-15T16:12:00.001-08:00

Determination

2007-12-14T10:03:00.000-08:00

"BERLIN - A man nearly died from alcohol poisoning after quaffing a liter (two pints) of vodka at an airport security check instead of handing it over to comply with new carry-on rules..."

Holiday Party 2007

2007-12-14T05:33:00.000-08:00

Belles of the Ball.

America!

2007-12-11T06:45:00.001-08:00

I am proud to report that patriotism is back. America, our country -- our pride and joy -- has an official blog. And a champion:

Happy Holidays

2007-12-07T07:41:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays from everyone here at The Recipe.

Weird Dream

2007-12-03T05:10:00.000-08:00

So this morning I awoke with Livin' On A Prayer stuck in my head, and I couldn't quite figure out why. Later, as I was walking my dog, my dream suddenly came back to me...

It was the BCS selection show, and, for some reason, Maryland could make the BCS title game if I could beat Desmond Howard in a karaoke competition. And of course, the song of choice was Livin' On A Prayer. Needless to say, I lost -- I can't compete with a Heisman Trophy winner -- and Maryland was not selected for a shot at the national title.

A gem from the past

2007-12-01T06:53:00.001-08:00

"I'd like to thank the little people..."

2007-11-12T07:58:00.001-08:00

After years of keeping a low profile, Mr. Gnome is back on the prowl. Consider yourselves warned, ladies.

Happy Halloween

2007-11-02T13:59:00.000-07:00

Roommates

2007-11-02T10:09:00.000-07:00

Dream Team

2007-10-28T05:33:00.000-07:00

Hilarious

2007-10-18T04:34:00.000-07:00

So I joined a beer pong league with my boy, Costello, in Adams Morgan. Our team name, given our locale and inability to lose, is so choice: Gilbert Arenas. We just had to show our local hero some love. We had to show him so much love, in fact, that Costello sent the following correspondence to Agent Zero.

Agent Zero,

My buddy and myself recently signed up for a weekly beer pong league in Adam's Morgan at Nolan's Bar. We named our team "Gilbert Arenas" because we plan on dropping clutch shots all season long. The website for the league is here: http://www.weeklybeerpong.com . The site tracks our record throughout the season, so if you want to see ifwe live up to the name give it a look. We'll be getting nice with it every wednesday from 8:30 to 10:30.

Your boy,
Costello

We anxiously await his reply...

This is America Baby

2007-10-17T20:05:00.001-07:00

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

2007-10-17T18:08:00.000-07:00

The Cadillac of the Male Species

2007-10-10T10:02:00.001-07:00

What I Learned New Today

2007-10-09T08:56:00.000-07:00

From Dictionary.com: Missouri

4. from Missouri, Informal. Unwilling to accept something without proof; skeptical: "I'm from Missouri—you'll have to show me that you're right."

You can buy anything on Ebay

2007-10-04T11:29:00.001-07:00

The couch

2007-10-02T21:35:00.001-07:00

Two fall victim

Safe at Home

2007-09-28T09:47:00.001-07:00

Kickball.

Safe at Home.

Us - 6. Them - 3.

My Roommate

2007-09-26T07:59:00.000-07:00

Like so many nights past, my wonderful roommate made dinner for the whole team yesterday, and needless to say, it was delicious. As we were all settling down to enjoy this culinary journey, a new (male) friend of mine phoned. I chose not to answer since we were eating, and let it go to voicemail. The call, however, still managed to spark a noteworthy conversation...

Me: It was my new friend -- again.
Allison: Okay, this is getting weird. He seriously needs to stop calling.
Me: Why, Allison?
Allison: He is obviously gay. He didn't look at me even once on Saturday.

12 Hour Endurance Run

2007-09-25T06:43:00.000-07:00

Intelligent Design

2007-09-20T05:05:00.001-07:00

Sometimes there are things far too beautiful for natural selection alone to create. No, they must surely be the work of a higher power. This match made in Heaven -- Dr. Leonard and T-Cos -- is the strongest evidence out there.

Happy 300th Post

2007-09-19T10:30:00.001-07:00

The Magic (and Mystery) of Date III

2007-09-18T10:38:00.000-07:00

So there I was, on my couch, counting down the time to leave my place so as to arrive fashionably late. Not late, mind you – just fashionably late. You know, 10 minutes or so “because of traffic on Key Bridge.” Well, she one-upped me with the infamous “I am running late…” text when I was already on the road. Giddy up.

I arrived in Georgetown, found a great parking spot, and decided to kill time in Barnes & Noble. I sent a text to that end, hoping to demonstrate my lifelong devotion – sorta – to the written word. I’ve been told women “dig” that kind of thing, and I’m not one to turn down solid advice. To my knowledge, it worked: “You must be so smart,” my date said when we finally caught up. Playing the humble card, I responded with “Yea,” and spat off my SAT score. She was definitely impressed.

At this point, before we discuss dinner, I should touch on the significance of the third date. Let’s get it out there: the third date is no ordinary date. It’s the “nookie” date. If you don’t know what nookie is, I suggest you turn back now. If you know what nookie is, then read on…

Anywho, as one who is open to advice, a good friend of mine told me that, if all is going well, nookie happens after three. Not once, not twice, but thrice. And this was thrice. So a quiet dinner it was. We settled in at a “classy” dive bar where the Redskins were being cheered on by some of Georgetown’s finest. The atmosphere was perfect for a good meal and great conversation. We talked about our jobs, long-term career aspirations, the “really annoying guy” in every office, and, of course, football. Suffice it to say, the date was going phenomenal.

Fast forward an hour or so, and it’s time to depart. She came straight from work and had to travel home to NOVA. I drove into the city, and, by a coincidence gifted unto me by the Gawds, I also had to travel home to NOVA. “Care for a ride home?” I said. “Sure,” she responded, adding that she “hoped I would ask.” Score! We walked the five blocks to my car – ahem, Jeep – and set in for a crisp autumn drive. Again, we shared an intelligent, revealing conversation that, to me, promised nookie. Until…

“Just so you know, you’re not getting a kiss goodnight.”

WTF? I paid for dinner. I drove you home. For the love of creeps, I pretended to enjoy literature! And then it happened. In my male-induced state, I foolishly said, “We don’t have to kiss...but you can still put out.” Put out? Are you serious? Jebus, you are stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Unless…just maybe…she smiles and says “Deal.”

“Yesssssssss,” I shouted under my breath – my efforts had paid off. When we arrived at her place, I parked the Jeep, and followed her upstairs. All the lights were off in her apartment – it was past midnight – so we crept to her room. Once inside, she pounced like a starving tiger and went to work. Three minutes into our so-called “vision quest” she brought in her two roommates and really made things interesting. But I should stop here for fear of revealing too much. Some things are better left unsaid. So let’s just close with this: I am a new man.

Thanks for the third date, Kobes.

Good News

2007-09-12T05:01:00.000-07:00

According to ESPN, Kevin Everett of the Buffalo Bills "might walk again after all." Much remains to be seen, but it's still great news.

I'll take two please

2007-09-06T12:53:00.000-07:00

Oh Craigslist

Smiles Go Miles

2007-09-05T09:54:00.001-07:00

Wisdom

2007-08-24T10:45:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's best to quote those who have come before you...

Homer: Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

Homer: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?
Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.

Homer: Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.

I love Fridays at the office...

News

2007-08-24T05:01:00.001-07:00

The front page of the NY Times today tells us about the continuing mining troubles in China. The cover of the Post, on the other hand, points our attention towards flooding in the Midwest. Both articles cover death and damage caused by natural disasters.

Which begs the question, Kobes, which "disaster" is more newsworthy?

Not a Chance

2007-08-23T05:42:00.000-07:00

Mr. Lee has trumped me, once again, and peddled 40 miles.

But the true feat here is not the incredible expression of human strength, endurance, and fortitude. No, it's his unmatched mathematical prowess. Using only a calculator -- no help from Excel, mind you -- Mr. Lee was able to determine that he "DEMOLISH[ED]" my record "by more that 15%!"

I tip my hat to you, Mr. Lee, and trust that your journey will not end now that I am but a memory clouded in your dust.

Lylah and Andrew work it out

2007-08-21T20:38:00.001-07:00

How to move a sectional couch on two jeeps

2007-08-20T18:48:00.001-07:00

We drove like this for 40 miles on three major highways

Super Sunday!

2007-08-20T09:56:00.000-07:00

After a Thursday and Friday night of limitless debauchery, I decided to take it easy on Saturday night. I woke around 9:00 am to find myself refreshed and ready for a productive, fulfilling day. So I laced up the running shoes, popped a couple of painkillers, and set out -- for 34 miles.

Starting from Old Town, I traveled up the Mt. Vernon Trail to Georgetown where I caught the Capital Crescent Trail to Bethesda. Then it was back down Wisconsin Avenue, through Rock Creek Park, and back into the Commonwealth. The final stretch, again on Mt. Vernon, carried me to a local smoothie joint where I rewarded myself accordingly.

A new personal best for a single run!

History Lesson

2007-08-17T10:46:00.000-07:00

While we may never know the exact origin of the phrase, one of the earliest, if not first, occurrences of 'That's what she said' in popular culture can be traced back to 1992 in the SNL sketch-turned-film, Wayne's World:

[Holding Claudia Schiffer picture]
Garth: Hey, are you done yet? I'm getting tired of holding it.
Wayne: Yeah, that's what she said.

War(s)

2007-08-16T05:29:00.000-07:00

Rumor has it the War on Terror isn't going as planned. But how are we faring in the War on Drugs and the War on Poverty? Are we still fighting these wars? Did we surrender? Have we wont hearts and minds? We need to stop packaging things as wars and start calling our soldiers "liberty missionaries." That should do it. But never mind.

A couple of weeks ago, Mr. Lee, via Robert Samuelson, asked for my thoughts on the soon-to-be-a-crisis health care issue and other domestic spending "entitlements." And, admittedly, I don't know enough to really voice a strong opinion. So I've been reading up on the subject and everyone seems to agree we are facing an entirely new problem -- both in terms of scope and magnitude. Apparently, we cannot afford to support our aging population.

I haven't, as of yet, read or heard of any good solutions, which makes me wonder if this will come up as we move into 2008. Thompson has called attention to the problem, but hasn't said how to fix it. I guess we'll have to wait and see...

A collection of dogs

2007-08-01T07:53:00.000-07:00

Prius Politics

2007-07-25T10:31:00.001-07:00

Mr. Samuelson never fails to sour the mood. He must be the single worst dinner guest ever.

In today's Post, he (once again) stated his less-than-peachy view of greenhouse gas cutting measures -- this time through slightly more pedestrian means. He dropped truth bombs via the Toyota Prius, which, he writes, "is...a parable for the broader politics of global warming. Prius politics is mostly about showing off, not curbing greenhouse gas emissions." He continues, arguing that "Politicians pander to 'green' constituents who want to feel good about themselves. Grandiose goals are declared. But measures to achieve them are deferred -- or don't exist."

Stated simply, Mr. Samuelson says we are crap outta luck.

And I, for one, believe him. I can't imagine that changing every light bulb in my house will patch the ozone, put ice on both poles, and keep those cuddly polar bears alive. It just doesn't seem feasible given our current path. But I don't have a good answer. I bought my carbon offset and recycle, but I also wear synthetic fibers, drive 30 miles everyday, and find Greenpeace reps annoying. The Government probably won't do the job, and, given the global nature of greenhouse gas emissions, private industry won't butter the bread either.

So, I guess, we should burn up all the oil before the Chinese get to it. Vrooom!

In His Own Words

2007-07-23T10:32:00.000-07:00

Andrew: For the record, I have never seen those broads in my life.
Me: I have no doubt - they are kinda cute.
Andrew: Yea, exactly. I have done much worse.
Me: I would give them a [edited for content].
Andrew: I would give them a hug.
Me: That's the rumor floating around. Any insight into 1:30 to 6:30 am?
Andrew: None.

Andrew Leonard: Floosie Slayer

2007-07-23T05:16:00.000-07:00

Great Falls

2007-07-22T16:29:00.001-07:00

Do what you do

2007-07-16T06:48:00.001-07:00

Status Report

2007-07-15T09:53:00.000-07:00

It's been a while. Here is what's news in my life:

1. Andrew Leonard, who is currently our ambassador to Spain, is good at what he does. And he does everything he needs to do.

2. Went to San Francisco two weeks ago. I caught up with a lot of good friends, backpacked through Yosemite, and, I think, pressed my metaphorical reset button. A fantastic trip.

3. I purchased my first pair of designer (read: pricey) sunglasses. I am quite proud of my purchase, but I am still feeling kinda foolish.

4. Kobes and I have been living parallel lives, only with a slight time delay. When it started, I was about a month ahead, but, recently, she has caught up. I am concerned, though, that she has actually passed me, and if I talk to her, I will find out about my life before it happens. Do I wait and find out, or skip ahead?

5. I bought a khaki suit for my buddy's wedding, and, I must say, what a brilliant purchase. I am looking for excuses to wear it, so, dear friends, feel free to throw upscale dinner parties in my honor.

6. Summer is beautiful.

Leonard Travels Abroad

2007-07-11T11:56:00.000-07:00

"here you are boys... me makin the state of maryland, university, and commonwealth proud while overseas. also your funny story of the day from pamplona and the running of the bulls. im chatting with these random dudes and they mention how theyre like from kind of near maryland so whatever were talking. and then i like hear this noise and turn to this one pudgy kid and im like ARE YOU REALLY JUST PISSING YOURSELF...IS THAT PISS JUST RUNNING DOWN YOUR LEG?!?! and he looks at me as casually as can be and is like yea its whatever. then his friends basically indicate that hes been doing it all day. thank you and goodnight."

"And In Other News..."

2007-07-11T05:47:00.000-07:00

It's news, but I still can't help but say "That's what she said."

And, as always, our good friend Mr. Samuelson is depressing. He asks us to "ponder now the happiness gap", which, he argues, has not shrunk despite our increased national prosperity. Apparently, we Americans live in an "inherently stressful" society, a "rat race" amidst anxiety. Oh well -- I will drink it off.

Monday Funday

2007-07-10T13:18:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday Allison

2007-07-04T10:32:00.000-07:00

Tom Costello is a golden goddess

2007-06-27T13:51:00.000-07:00

Weekend Warriors

2007-06-25T16:56:00.000-07:00

Buzzwords

2007-06-12T13:54:00.000-07:00

I am consultant.

I perform enterprise-wide, mission-critical tasks as part of value-added solutions. My life is a jumbled collection of jargon, hyphens, acronyms, buzzwords, boilerplate language and lies.

Last Friday, my computer crashed and our tech department had to "flash" my hard drive, which, of course, reconfigured all of my customized settings. Including my saved MS Word dictionary. So now I have to start from scratch. All of those great neologisms - consultantisms, if you will - are gone. That little red Microsoft "look here, idiot" line is all over my screen. I hate it and wish it not well.

I want my dictionary back.

Quitters Are Winners

2007-06-11T13:47:00.001-07:00

I am quitting. Cold Turkey. Not the blog, of course - just one particular aspect of my life. It's not working, it hasn't been working, and, by God, it won't work. So no more for this guy. He is done.

What did I say? I said done!

This is my world, dang it, and you are just living in it. Consider yourself a guest - I suggest you act accordingly. So there.

PS - !!!

Dr. Leonard

2007-05-22T04:32:00.000-07:00

There are men, there are boys, and then there is Leonard. Take notes, people.